Holding Onto You
by sorrymr.gullible
Summary: my take on events after s4e13. SPOILERS. When it came to regaining their humanity, it was always something they said they could do later. But with the arrival of prisoners from a space colony that no one even knew existed, would they ever reach that later? [Slow burn bellarke].
1. Chapter 1

**AU: Italics represent speaking in Trigedasleng. This is just my take on what could happen following season 4 finale. Just something to keep me preoccupied until the show returns.**

She awoke before dawn and watched as shadows formed by trees grew and stretched around her. The clouds in the sky were illuminated golden orange and pink hues, and looked almost as though they had been from a painting. Slowly the rest of the world began to awaken. Dawn wasn't quite like what it was before praimfaya; the forest did not harbour the voices of birds singing nor the cries of cicadas. More significantly, there were no longer the sounds of other people.

In fact, as far as Clarke was aware it was only herself and one other person who was left to roam the surface of the Earth. She dodged the thoughts of the crushing loneliness, knowing that it could be worse. She was lucky to find a companion at all. The air was crisp, and left a biting sensation her throat, and was a strong contrast to the feeling of the sunlight on her pale skin.

"Wake up my little natblida," she whispered, brushing locks deep brown hair away from her companion's face. The young girl's nose crinkled as she frowned, her eyebrows bunched together in an exasperated frown.  
"Just five more minutes," she slurred, only half awake. Clarke rolled her eyes. Nearly every morning they went through the same routine. It was in these five minutes that Clarke tried her luck in transmitting a radio signal to her friends up in the Ark. She couldn't afford to lose hope, somehow she just knew that they were still up there. Maybe one day they would hear me, she pondered hopefully.

Hope. She gripped onto it tightly, it motivated her every morning to get up. To try make the planet a better place. She needed it to fight against the hard times. Clarke set her small radio and satellite by the edge of the forest, and leaned against a tree. Wide eyed, she stared up at the cosmos above. She closed her eyes for a moment, and sighed deeply. She did this everyday, and the longer she didn't get a reply, the more she became nervous. There had been times where she had talked all day to the radio. Hoping, almost begging, that her friends would hear her.

"I know you're up there, I just hope that you hear this," she whispered into her radio. As usual there was no reply. "It's really quite beautiful down here, every morning I can see that there is more life coming back. I wish you guys were here to see it," she hesitated, looking over to her companion behind her. "The Earth has been habitable for over a year now. It's been six years and six days since I have last seen any of you. Two thousand, one hundred and ninety eight days." Clarke nodded to herself thinking about the figure. Saying out loud how long it has been since she saw any of her friends, she felt a strong sense of loneliness and worry over how they had changed over all this time.

She had only come to known them closely over the course a year- they had spent six times that amount of time with each other on the one space station. While their bonds deepened and developed, Clarke worried that when they did return she would be an outsider to them and all they had experienced. "I've tried to contact those in Polis, but they're also silent. The rubble is seemed impossible to move, everyday it seems there is more. Yet, I'll try move some again today. Maybe if I just move a little every day, it'll all be clear one day. But maybe there's no one even left to clear it for." Clarke closed her eyes tightly.

Her chest ached at the thought of those who she loved all perishing in the bunker. Her mother, Octavia, Marcus, Indra, the list went on. They were all strong, but she knew that they couldn't survive not having enough oxygen, water, or food. There were so many things that could have gone wrong. "I don't know why I said that. They have to be alive. If you were planning on landing today, again, just aim for this island of green that I'm on. The rest of the world appears to be," she paused before continuing, "a barren wasteland." Though she knew they could probably see it from the Ark, she felt guilty at the description.

She wondered how the twelve hundred people trapped inside the bunker would react to seeing the Earth as it was now. They wouldn't have the slightest clue over how things would be up here. Majority of the people who were inside the bunker were Grounders who had not known anything but life on a relatively lush Earth. Even Ice Nation would be shocked at how barren the Earth was now. Clarke worried that even if they weren't trapped under piles of rubbish if there would be enough to sustain them all here. As it was, Clarke worried that she exhausted the scant resources that the Earth had to offer her.

"I know that one day you'll return. I'll check in again tonight, but for now I suppose I don't have much else to report." She stopped holding down the button on the side of the radio which allowed for her to transmit her voice. There was no reply.

Clarke's companion walked over slowly, not wanting to disturb her. She knew that it could be tough talking to her friends, not knowing if they were listening or if they were even alive. Madi knew that she had to be strong for her companion and could not let her give up.

"Stay strong, you know that they're okay," she said, gripping Clarke's shoulder. Clarke forced a smile on her face, "I know, Madi, I'm lucky to have you." Madi poked her tongue out at Clarke playfully and danced away from her. "Yes you are lucky! Does that mean no lessons today?"

The older of the two let out a snort, rolling her eyes. She wished that Madi would understand the importance of the lessons she was teaching her. "You wish."

The two set upon their days in a comfortable silence. Rarely would they talk, they simply relished in each other's presence. They had a comfortable rhythm and a steady routine they followed most days. Often, they scavenged from what was left of villages and from Polis. Though the praimfaya had destroyed much, there were some things which had survived the nuclear wave. The two had a decent collection of weapons, medication, clothing and other non essential items. Though the two mostly lived in the rover and slept wherever the road took them, though they did have an official place they called home. The lighthouse bunker.

It was not the easiest of places to travel to, however, when they did make the effort, they were able to enjoy hot showers, comfortable beds, listening to music and watching old films thanks to the spare solar panels which Clarke had managed to set up. Often, they shared the same room. Though they had the whole world to themselves, the pair rarely were far from each other's sides. So even with the entire bunker to share, they usually slept in the same bed. As time passed, Clarke could see the need that Madi once had to constantly be around her was gradually decreasing.

Though fourteen years old now, Madi looked much older to Clarke. Her skin already seemed weathered from the harsh conditions of the Earth, and Clarke could see that sometimes her smiles did not reach her eyes. It was as though that already at such a young age, Madi felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. And in some ways, she did. Every day she was pushed to make the next day better just in case, as Clarke would put it, that her people returned from the sky or the bunker opened.

 _"It is our responsibility as the only ones on the ground to make it the best it possibly can be for others who may one day join us. We must do what is best for humankind," Clarke gazed into Madi's sparkling green eyes. Clarke's posture was strong, her voice stern and unrelenting. "It is our duty to our people."_

Sometimes Clarke wondered if Madi was closely related to Lexa; they had similar eyes, hair, and smiles. It wasn't a far fetched theory, Clarke debated.

" _Clarke, look above,_ " Madi excitedly whispered, pointing to some of the trees above them. " _When was the last time we had seen this many birds before?_ " she continued.

" _Not since before…_ " Clarke trailed off, her breath hitching. It seemed that no large animals had survived the nuclear wave which had burnt most of the civilisation to the ground. Or at least, not in the green valley which the two resided in.

" _They're beautiful, there's a nest of babies too,_ " Madi whispered. Clarke smiled, happy to see her companion so entranced with nature.

At late afternoon, the pair were once again at the outskirts of the fallen city of Polis. The debris and rubble was intimidating, even after all this time. Clarke could barely locate where her friends were likely to be trapped underneath it all. Madi sighed, looking out at all of it.  
"We're never going to be able to move enough of it," she grumbled sardonically. Clarke sent her a glare, "Well have you got a better idea on how we can get them out?" she snapped impatiently. It was rare that she lost her temper with Madi. The younger woman gave her a pained stare, "That's not what I meant…"  
"No, that's exactly what you meant. And maybe you're right," Clarke conceded. For the first time in months, she simply walked back to the rover, ready to give up. She twisted the face of the satellite better, before asking if anyone could read her.

She felt a stab of guilt at snapping at Madi. She almost never did that. Madi gave her a pleading stare, conveying the apology that she wanted to give, but knew that she didn't need to vocalise.

"We'll think of something else. There has to be another way to get to them all," she said, hopeful. Clarke tried to smile, hoping that she was right. The two simply packed up the satellite and radio, and turned around the rover back towards the heart of the green valley.

By the time it was night, the temperature had dropped low, almost to freezing. One of the side effects from the changing environment of the world was the cold. Clarke and Madi sat closely around a fire, in a cave which protected them from the wind. "Tell me about another story of you growing up on the ARK," Madi asked Clarke who was in a world of her own. Madi loved to hear about what it was like on the space station, finding it enchanting that she lived among the stars.

"You know all about my friend Wells, but I don't think I told you the time he and I…" Clarke loved to share stories about her life growing up almost as much as Madi liked hearing about them. By the time Clarke had finished sharing her story, Madi was asleep. It was the perfect time for her to try radioing her friends again.

"Can anyone read me?"

* * *

"Here we go again," Clarke muttered to herself, sitting down on a dead log covered with moss. "Bellamy, can you hear me?" she looked out the expanse of greenery in front of her. "If you can hear me, it's been 2,199 days since praimfaya. I don't know why I still do this everyday. Maybe it's my way of staying sane. Not forgetting who I am." she let go of the button which transmitted her signal. No reply. She quirked her left eyebrow, "who I was." In a pained voice, she continued, "It's been safe for you to come down for over a year now," she gave a tight smile, her forehead creasing. "Why haven't you," she whispered. She felt a hollow. "The bunkers gone silent, we tried digging them out for a while but," she shook her head and looked at her shoes. "There's too much rubble. I haven't made contact with them either. Anyway, I still have hope. Tell Raven to aim for the one spot of green and you'll find me. The rest of the planet from what I've seen basically sucks."

All of a sudden, there was a loud sound that Clarke couldn't mistake. It was of a rocket breaking through the atmosphere. Her jaw dropped and she almost cried, standing up suddenly. The wind picked up around her, the branches of trees whipping in the wind. "Never mind, I see you," she almost dropped the radio entirely, and ran to the back of the rover.  
"Sha ta strik, ma natblida," she cooed to Madi. " _No lessons today_ ," Madi grumbled. Clarke smiled, listening to the sound of the rocket descending. Madi's eyes widened, and she sat upright when she heard what was going on outside. " _Took you long enough_ ," Clarke teased, and the two climbed outside of the rover.  
" _I thought you said the rocket was small?_ " Madi enquired, confused at the spacecraft that was now not far from the ground. Clarke frowned in confusion. It was a small spacecraft. She ran over to Madi, joining her. It was indeed not small at all.

It wasn't unlike any other spacecraft she had seen. It seemed to hover midair slowly, making a controlled landing. Assessing the situation, she felt panic bubble up inside of her. "Madi, go grab my rifle, now." she demanded. Madi did not hesitate.

Clarke assessed the spacecraft and spotted the words 'Eligius Corporation' and 'Gagarin prisoner transportation' painted on the side of the spacecraft. She had never heard of that corporation before, nor of any other colonies that were out there in space in fact.

"We're here!" Madi cried out loudly, waving her arms around. "Get down," Clarke pulled Madi down to the ground with her. "I need you to back up the rover. Get it out of sight. Then get ready all of the guns." She spoke rapidly, knowing that she had no time to hesitate in her actions.  
"All of them?"  
"All of them."

* * *

 **AN:** **So I think I'm going to - for the first few chapters at least - break things up from the perspectives of those on the ground, in the bunker, and on the Ark.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Bunker**

 _12 hours after Praimfaya._

Octavia looked at the 100 people from Skaikru which remained. Many of which were disoriented from the gas, gaping up at her silently. She was no longer the girl underneath the floor on the Ark. She more closely resembled a grounder in their eyes. With kohl painted around her eyes, hair tied in an intricate blade and a posture that demanded respect, even the grounders would mistake her as being born and raised on Earth. Her green eyes were void of all emotion, as if it had all be eroded away. In some ways, it had been.

She hadn't realised up until this point how hard Clarke had it when it came to deciding who got to live and who had to be sacrificed. Octavia knew the road ahead of her wasn't going to get any easier, and she knew she would not be the same person she was entering the bunker as she will be when she leaves it. She was haunted by the hundreds of bodies which had been abandoned above her in the temple. But she knew from the footage she had seen of the world above her being enveloped by praimfaya that there wouldn't even be remains to show that they had once even existed.

Marcus Kane stood on her left, Indra on her right. As much as she wanted to rely on Indra, she knew that she couldn't and that she would have to be the one to decide everyone's fate in the bunker from then onwards. Octavia glanced at the banner to her left which hung up proudly on the wall.

From ashes we will rise.

Reading the phrase she felt chills run up her spine and found the courage to address her people. "Had it not been for Marcus and Jaha, all of you would be locked on the outside of this bunker right now for trying to disobey my orders. But you're not. You're here, and we will all be here for at least another five years.  
"For the next five years we must all learn to live together, and while it will not be easy, I know that we can do it. We are resilient, and we are stronger together. Most importantly, we are all in this together. No longer will we be divided into clans, we are all the one clan now. We are Wonkru… from the ashes we will rise."

Her voice resonated throughout the bunker. She gripped tightly to the metal railing she stood behind, hoping that it hid the slight tremor that ran through her hands. _Why are you shaking more than what you were before you killed Luna?_ She questioned herself silently. She was met with dead stares from the 100 people below her. She caught the gazes of a few people that she knew; their eyes were red from crying. She took a few deep breathes and caught Indra's gaze. The woman simply raised her chin, in a slight nod at her. That was all that she needed. She knew she did the right thing. Had it been run Jaha's way, the bunker would only have been a third full, and even more people would have died.

Jaha. He had been problematic in many ways. It was hard to determine if he was expendable or not. He was an experienced engineer, which could be beneficial. However, he was also traitorous and had introduced A.L.I.E to the rest of civilisation. While the latter was not entirely his fault, Octavia couldn't help but blame him for the result of the events. Should he be made an example of in front of everyone else? Not only was he partially responsible for not letting the other eleven clans into the bunker, he was responsible for the bloodbath which had almost ensued in retaliation to her decision that only one hundred Skaikru people could remain in the bunker.

Octavia let Indra and Marcus take over in addressing their people. Her head ached from the fluorescent lighting and her stomach twisted into knots- she couldn't even remember the last time she had eaten. She could have been standing there for ten minutes or hours and she wouldn't have noticed because of how disorientated she felt. She came back to reality when she felt someone place their hand on her shoulder.

"Octavia? You need to get some rest, we can't have you leading us half asleep." It was Abby which had broken her train of thought. She turned to her, surprised that she had managed to approach her without her realising. She simply gave a terse nod in response.

Octavia knew that if it weren't for her, she would have been trapped outside when praimfaya hit. Yet, she couldn't help but feel guarded around the woman. She allowed herself to be led to small room which had its own private bathroom and double sized bed.  
"It may not seem like much, but it's the best room in the entire bunker," Abby said, standing in the doorway. Octavia turned around and realised that it was only her and the doctor now in the room.

"You have a few cuts, you should clean up and let me have a look at them later," the older woman continued. Octavia noticed how weary she seemed herself. She had overheard Raven giving instruction to Abby so that she could to 'restart' her brain, or something rather. Octavia didn't understand what the two were talking about as she had only been half listening at the time. Now that she didn't have anyone looking up to her, she felt the fatigue full force, as well as the loss of her brother.

Up until now she had hid away all emotion she had regarding him. She felt guilty over how she had been treating him the past few weeks now that he was so far away. How am I going to survive five years without him? Though he told her that she was strong enough to lead, she wondered if she could ever be as strong of a leader as he is. _I can fight but that doesn't mean I can lead,_ the teenager to doubt herself. _I'm too young for this._

Abby could see the inner turmoil Octavia was going through. She herself wasn't holding up much better. Her knew her daughter was a fighter, but they were up against something entirely different. It wasn't a person who stood in her way, no, this time it was radiation. Her memory of seeing Clarke dying, coughing up black blood, black blood pouring from her ears, nose, and even eye sockets haunted her.

Abby didn't think when she walked over to Octavia and brought her in a tight embrace. All she wanted was to hug her daughter, all Octavia wanted was her brother. Neither said anything to each other, and just silently let each other comfort each other.

* * *

 _Seven days after Praimfaya_

It had been decided that the main stairwell was to be where meetings were held in front of all 1200 members of the bunker. People filled the stairwell to the top, where in front of the two doors to the outside, two guards stood, armed with guns. There was lots of yelling and screaming, people even spat over the edge of the railing of the stairwell as Thelonius Jaha was brought to the center of the bottom floor. He was wearing handcuffs, and wore a mask of indifference. Around his wrists there were angry red marks which had shown that he had desperately tried to free himself.

Of course though, it was no use.

Thrust out in front of the eyes of the public, the scrutinizing gazes of the public made Jaha for the first time in his life feel small. He had been in situations of danger many times before, however he had found himself as sweaty as he did right now before. He stared ahead, unwilling to make eye contact with those he had come to know so well over the years. No one had objected to his execution; there had been numerous people who were reserved over this decision but no one had voiced their disapproval. Marcus found it hard to let his friend face such a fate, but after he had almost been left outside the bunker to perish… Thelonius wasn't the man he once was.

As soon as Octavia entered the room, the obstreperous crowd came to a hush. She wore the same outfit she did when she took over the bunker; it was almost as though it was an outfit she reserved for special occasions at this point. She looked up at all of her people, a calm expression on her face.

"We are here today because Thelonius Jaha has proved that his interests conflicts with that of all of us, Wonkru. We cannot have traitors and trouble makers such as himself in our midst. Let his execution be a warning for anyone who wishes to rebel against my authority." Her hands did not shake like it did a week ago when she addressed such a large crowd. She withdraw her sword and walked around him. He collapsed onto his knees on the floor, taking a deep shuddering breath.

"Any last words?" she asked him. _The sooner all of this is over, the better,_ Octavia rationalised.

Jaha looked up at her, his eyes piercing her soul. She didn't want to be the one to break their stare, and slowly she walked closer towards him. This was the man who had floated her mother for the crime of having a second child, the man who had locked her up in solitary confinement for simply being alive. The person who forced her to hide in one room for fourteen painfully long years of her life. And yet, Octavia didn't feel as though she was getting justice for any of it. Nothing could bring back her mother, or the time she had spent hiding under the floor of the Ark. In some ways, since coming to a position of power, she could almost understand what he had did. Almost. Thelonious sighed, and closed his eyes.

"Bring me to peace so that I can be with my son. I know he is waiting for me," he looked tired and defeated. Octavia gave him one nod. She circled around behind him and put her hand to his forehead, holding him in place. "May we meet again," Jaha called out to the crowd. Octavia quickly raised her blade to his throat, and in a fluid motion, she ended his life.

His blood poured over her fingers, thick and hot. The smell hit her nose immediately, and she could hear him choke on his own blood. He collapsed forwards, a crimson pool formed around him. Octavia looked up at her people, her face an expressionless mask, not even her eyes betrayed the whirlwind of emotions she felt at the moment. She was offered a cloth to wipe off the blood off of her hands and sword, which she accepted appreciatively. She looked down at the corpse in front of her, hoping that she was doing the right thing. "Yu gonplei ste odon," she murmured almost to herself, turning around brusquely, leaving the hall.

* * *

 _Present, 2199 da_ _y after Praimfaya._

Octavia looked at her reflection in the small bathroom she had. She looked much older than what she did when she first stepped foot on the ground seven years ago. She ran her fingers over the dark bags underneath her eyes, and traced her pale lips. Six years without seeing the sun, her skin began to look sallow again like it had back on the Ark. She noticed her nails were brittle, her skin was dry, her hair not as healthy as it was on the ground. Not yet dressed, she scrutinised her body in the mirror.

She was still muscular, if not more so than what she was before life in the bunker. She trained daily to keep herself in top form, often training some of the children in combat, analysing who would make an adequate second. Though there was no such thing as different clans any longer fighting was a tradition that couldn't be eradicated. She looked at the tattoos that covered her body. She had collected several more over the years, the symbol of Wonkru taking up much of her back. The tattoo was between her shoulder blades, and stopped just before her hairline. It was a mostly simplistic design, but one that held a lot of weight. Another additional tattoo she had wrapped around her left arm. It was the exact same pattern that Lincoln had. She was adamant that she had to have the same design. She could remember tracing the pattern on her late lover in some of their most intimate moments. She was able to draw it perfectly and get the pattern translated onto her skin with no issues.

She looked at her protruding collarbones and how her ribs stood out from her skin just a bit too much. Food production levels weren't running at their optimal levels like they once were, and they couldn't open the door to escape the bunker. People were growing on edge with being trapped for now over a year longer than what they had predicted they would be. They needed to find a way out of the bunker fast, or else they'd all die of starvation. Hungry people were also harder to control, Octavia had noticed. She slid on her clothes, and left her hair down. She had kept it at the same length, if not a little longer, than what it had been before praimfaya. She felt sentimental, but she knew that Lincoln had loved her hair long, so she could never bring herself to cut it any longer than what it was when they were last together.

Octavia made her way to the meeting room, where she met with her five councillors: Marcus, Indra, Niylah, Uzac, and Kyle. They stood up upon her entering the room, chanting "From the ashes, may we rise."

Octavia wasn't certain how the tradition had started, but it had almost become a prayer for Wonkru. Octavia nodded her head in greeting, and gestured for them to take a seat. She dove into the meeting without a moment's hesitation.

"Update me on the status on the logistics of the tunnel, have we made any significant progress?" the leader asked. When it was discovered that they could not leave directly through the door they had come into the bunker, it had been decided after months of debate that they had to force their way out in another way. Engineers had mapped out nearby tunnels that they were near, dating back hundreds of years. They were near an abandoned subway system, it had turned out. Kyle Wick was the first one to respond to Octavia.

"Yes, we've almost hit the tunnel we believe. It's been a slow progress because we obviously can't afford for our bunker to collapse and with minimal resources… I won't bore you the details but we are possibly just days away from success."

Octavia nodded, thinking deeply about what he had said. Soon, she would be able to see her brother. She would feel fresh air on her skin, she would see sunlight.

"There are some issues though," he continued. Octavia quirked an eyebrow at him expectantly. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. Marcus cut him off before he had the chance to explain.  
"People are getting curious about this project. There's rumours circulating, and considering how many people are working on the project- maybe if we just came clean about this plan then we could get help from a few more hands and we'd-"  
"No Marcus." Octavia silenced. She didn't want to involve everyone from under the bunker and get their hopes up in case their plan was a dead end. They had no way of knowing if the subway tunnel wasn't blocked up. The last thing she wanted were people energised at the idea of escape if their plan didn't really work.

"Octavia, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea," Niylah tried to intersect. "People need hope, and maybe if we just all worked together, even if this plan fell through we'd have more chance of coming up with a new one."

Octavia debated what she was saying. Part of her worried that reason they had never made contact to anyone above the ground was because there were no people on the ground. What if her brother didn't make it to the ground. Surely if he did, he would have found a way to communicate with her, to free them from the ground. She frowned, her lips pursed together as she weighed their options. "You all know why I'm hesitant about going to the ground at all. I know that we are going hungry, but what if the reason we haven't made contact with anyone is because there is nothing left? We know that following praimfaya majority of the world wouldn't be habitable anymore, but what if there's simply nothing up there waiting for us? Radiation could leech in and if there are fewer people working on the project, we could patch up the tunnel easier than if there were hundreds of people trying to break out." She shook her head.

"I'm not sure if it's a risk worth taking. Bellamy would have-" she stopped herself before continuing. She stood up and began pacing back and forth. Her brother. She wondered if he had changed as much as she had. She wondered if he could forgive her for the woman she has become. She noticed how her council members all exchanged worried glances with each other.

Even Indra, who had never questioned her decisions, looked as though she wanted to say something.

"We'll take a vote on what to do… One person cannot decide the fate of many." Octavia finally conceded. "Those in favour of telling everyone about the project, raise your hand."

All five council members raised their hands.


End file.
